50 reasons not to date a Human Resources (HR) person

  1. They talk to you as their “employer”.
  2. They want your CV and references before you even start talking to them.
  3. They want to know “who sent you” and how you “found out about them”.
  4. After going through your CV, they give you a handbook so you know the “rules”.
  5. They know where you live and every single way to contact you “in case you are urgently needed” which helps them find anyone, anytime, anywhere.
  6. They know how much you make.
  7. They know who around you is expecting a baby, has a birthday coming up soon, is getting married, passed away etc… before you do.
  8. They ask weird questions. Ooh and a lot of them.
  9. They want to know how you “feel” and “what you did” about every single thing.
  10. They like to experiment on you to “see how you will react”.
  11. They will put their trust to the test to see if you are “worth it”.
  12. It’s very difficult to negotiate with them.
  13. They observe you as if you were a martian and try to analyse every move you make.
  14. They  have to comment on the new people they meet, from the clothes, to behavior, to the way they talk… if not they can’t help themselves talking about the current job vacancies their company has.
  15. They have a different sense of what “appropriate” is.
  16. When you make a mistake, they send you a warning.
  17. After the 3rd warning, you are fired.
  18. You cannot re-apply for the same position. They have “internal rules”.
  19. They have ears behind their back, you better watch out your tongue.
  20. If you come 5 minutes late to a date/meeting/whatever they will scream it out loud and make an example of you.
  21. If they give you something, they make you sign on an “Acknowledgement of receipt”.
  22. As a gift, you either get a “raise” or a “promotion” of some sort.
  23. If you give them a gift, they will ask why are you bribing them and what is it that you want from them.
  24. They teach you things like you were a 5 year-old.
  25. They  know ways to “bend” the laws.
  26. They know how to make “exceptions” and present it in a way you can’t argue with them.
  27. People like to share their problems with them and ask them for advice… so they are “busy” most of the time.
  28. They can turn all your friends into spies.
  29. They keep on telling you to “develop” yourself and try to send you to seminars and conferences.
  30. They like to put signs everywhere.
  31. You have to give them a lot before they start reciprocating.
  32. They complaint a lot.
  33. They keep most of their answers in grey to avoid Yes & No.
  34. They don’t like to do things outside their “competencies”.
  35. They have their own set of “values” and expect you to conform.
  36. Everything they do is “confidential”, their work is off-limits. You risk getting “change the subject” as answer with a suspicious look if you dare ask.
  37. They are either organization freaks or you find them under a huge pile of files, memos, CVs, etc..
  38. They know “people”. CEOs of companies, contacts in all the universities, and every other HR in the business
  39. They know what everyone else says and thinks about you.
  40. They can ruin your reputation in one minute.
  41. Before going out, they request a written invitation.
  42. They see so many people during the day they could forget your name if they don’t see and interact with you often.
  43. They always have a good reason for everything, especially their mistakes and they get away with it.
  44. When they want something from you, they will call, e-mail, leave a post-it and make you miserable until they get it.
  45. They can’t agree on one explanation for a problem.
  46. “Conflict of Interests” situations are one of their nightmares.
  47. They will ask you to remove friends from your Facebook list because they are “bad for your image”.
  48. When they get tired from you they will push you to quit and feel guilty it’s your fault.
  49. They give you false hopes when they answer you using their diplomatic tone.
  50. Your boss is most likely their “best” friend.

Which reasons are the funniest? Do you have more reasons? 🙂 Don’t hesitate to leave a comment!

20 thoughts on “50 reasons not to date a Human Resources (HR) person

  1. I didn’t know HR were so powerful people. Few years ago, we used to rarely hear about them. Now they are all over the place. Indeed, they are a dangerous network! 🙂

  2. This post has the words “judgment” and “stereotyping” written all over it. i wouldn’t even start talking about you bad taste in humor.

    Respectfully yours,
    Your Friendly HR Neighborhood Guy

  3. They will threaten the one who is interested in you to leave this girl immediately otherwise HE will be put into a big trouble, just like to be notified to his manager, and/or his seniors etc..!!

  4. As a Human Resources Professional for five years (the rest of my mehh-credible work experience revolves around writing anime and game reviews), I find this quite tongue in cheek, and I am compelled to bring some light on this area of discussion.

    So Rita, and for those who read your article- should this note in FB reach you, I am offering several points you may wish to consider on-

    WHY YOU SHOULD START DATING SOMEONE IN HUMAN RESOURCES:

    And for everyone’s convenience, I am dividing this into three parts, as with labor- Pre-Employment, Employment, and Post Employment.

    Pre-Employment / The Dating Stage
    Most Human Resources Professionals (and not just persons) take identity and character seriously. While they don’t like wasting other people’s time, they would appreciate it if theirs isn’t wasted at all.
    Selection – either Targeted, through Referral, or random Walk-Ins are always efficient, direct to the point, and conclusive.
    Targeted Selection could be individually done through dating sites by putting in your requirements, and having a system find you your matches. Then, basing on profile (which could be one’s resume/ CV) and percentage (which could be one’s Initial Assessment Passing score), one could shortlist a number of eligible candidates to have a Final Interview with, for whatever position is required (short-term partner/temporary hires, long-term partner/permanent hires, casual positions, seasonal labourers or ‘interns’ / well, for casual sex during Valentine’s or just someone you feel compelled to teach your S&M ways). My personal preference would be OK Cupid (www.OKCupid.Com), which has been quite effective for some dear friends.
    Referrals use your credible network. It is self-explanatory.
    Walk-Ins are those you encounter in random moments sans you looking for one or a good friend putting in a good word for you.

    3. Initial Assessments are done strategically with expectations and realities matched based on the vacancy required. Once one comes up with a shortlist, the Final Interviews could be as brief as five minutes.

    4. HR Professionals, being keen on keeping communication lines clear to lessen wrong expectations on both ends and to deliver excellence, stay transparent. Those who are HR by heart will say NO or YES directly, without sugar coating.

    5. While it is expected that the candidate – whether a clueless applicant you met at your local pub, or that OKC match with 98% compatibility- should bring up the topic of a contract (ie. A “relationship or partnership, with terms”), it is usually the HR Professional who draws the line and asks the other, directly, the big question- now, it’s up to the candidate to accept it or not—

    6. BUT NOT without proper orientation on the Terms and Agreement – what kind of contract would it be? Is it exclusive? Could one do part-time, or be employed simultaneously? Is it for a long-term, permanent position with expected upgrades? Or is this just for your summer escapade date? HR Professionals prefer to be clear instead of ambiguous – again, they don’t like wasting time. We won’t pirate you either unless you want to be pirated. OH- and, if you still have strings with your previous employer and would just want to get back on them by joining us temporarily, you’re a no-go, bro. Ethics applies.

    7. AND even if the offer remains unaccepted, HR Pros are good at negotiation- rejected? No worries. “If we can’t do a full time employment, perhaps you may consider being a consultant while the position isn’t filled yet?” Persuasion is key.

    8. While HR Pros expect their partners to do their end of their bargain and to be always truthful on their credentials (ie, life stories), a bit of research won’t help. After all, knowledge is power. Should there be any unclear data, it would be covered during the assessments and final interview. So do not freak out if your HR Date asks you about that little baby’s picture posted on your FB wall last 2009. (Though yes, we could be a bit too interested to the point of ‘really researching’. If we have mutual friends, know in your heart that you have already been thoroughly background checked.)

    9. Once all the terms, conditions, compensation & benefits scheme and some basic P&P are discussed with you clearly, your HR Date will then give you the best offer matching your preferences – themselves, openly, whole-heartedly and intelligently. And it’s up to you to accept being with him or her, or not.

    10. If you do, you’re in for one good employment. If not, they will find a way to try to make a better counter-offer before they let you go. No, we aren’t desperate- we just know what value you have, and we are confident we could match that and make you happily partnered up with us.

    EMPLOYMENT / In A Relationship or Partnership Stage

    11. While there is no standard Probationary period for permanent hires (long terms) across the world (6 mos for PH though some BPOs go for 3 mos), always remember that your HR Business Partner – notice the change in term- always has an internal measure on your Probationary period. It could be until your first Monthsary, or, for one couple I know, until they get married! Really, it all boils down to your contract’s terms. Personally, mine remains on the 6th month.

    12. Regularization or Confirmation of Employment does not necessarily mean “sexy time”. It may mean an increase in trust and emotional investment, finally introducing you to other stockholders (ie, parents. Or really super friends.) Or maybe it’s you two finally moving in, or having a joint bank account. It could be as cheesy as it could be as sleazy.

    13. Those who are in HR by heart would always see the best in you and look for areas you could develop together- the Learning and Development feature is almost always as exciting as going up a mountain together, teaching each other Dothraki, or discovering parts of your bodies you didn’t know tickled in a very good way. While this does not mean dictating what your partner should be, do view it as an opportunity to discover more about yourself and your HR Business Partner slash Trainer- the more you know each other, the lesser errors you may commit. All these, while having fun!

    14. While everything may be chipper, note that you two will always have a Code of Discipline implemented between you- which you should always abide. This is another set of sub-policies aligned with your contract, with mutual interests in mind. While there may be different types of Contracts, there would always be different types of corresponding CODs.(eg. Never have ‘unprotected business’ with another ‘employer’, if you’re having multiple transactions. All ‘private information’ are confidential and proprietary. Don’t get burned by Infosec.)

    15. Any violation in the COD does not necessarily mean that you’re in for hell- being nurturing, objective people and fans of open communication, your HR Business Partner will surely ask you what fucked up, in the nicest way possible- this may involve a bit of data gathering, some time to think about it, a Performance Improvement Plan (which is time bound, expect it), or a warning. Warnings could go on and on, but a firm professional has his or her own limits. (I place mine as 3 shots for Grave offenses. Serious offenses go maximum at 5 shots.) There are types of Offenses, depending on your COD – if confused, ask your HRBP. They’ll be glad to explain.

    16. While we are quite steadfast when it comes to Performance Management, we often give considerations and, as mentioned in #15, a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP). This involves a possible SWOT discussion, a mutual sharing of each other’s AFIs to maintain KPIs without compromising usual business efficiency while abiding by a reasonable TAT. These AFIs may include several AIs which would be closely monitored within a timeframe, and may be post-evaluated after. If no such improvement has been visible, the PIP may prolong the timeframe until the desired results are demonstrated.

    If met, a new standard of expectation will be set accordingly- it will be expected that the improvement is neither false nor temporary, in line with mutual trust. (Eg. A partner starts becoming cold and aloof. Your HRBP will probe and will probably bring up moments where these instances are highly demonstrated. The behaviour will be noted and discussed, while knowing what makes the partner rather distant. If it is found that the HRBP is lacking, the PIP also applies. This can’t be done in actual EE-ER Labor Relationships, however.)

    17. There should always be a clear Internal Communications cadence between you two. Having problems communicated externally is NOT a very good branding for your enterprise. And yourselves.

    18. Anniversaries aren’t just celebrations. Consider it your Annual Performance Evaluation period.

    19. The day after your anniversary is the start of another Business Year- expect some goal setting, and perhaps an increase in your C&B plan effective after, unless otherwise stated.

    20. Once you are deemed as an excellent partner, your HRBP may offer you a promotionsometime within your relationship- as his or her stockholder- that is,through marriage- the big question – in conventional partnerships. Or, he or she may just ask you to spend the rest of your life with them. This question is not entirely based on whim- expect that this was brought up after a thorough assessment of you, throughout your candidacy, application, probationary period and regular performance. We take it seriously. Should you pop the question, we expect that you are equally as serious.

    Any preparations would be handled by Employee Engagement – which is another HR Facet. Your HRBP’s internal Events Coordinator will surely surface. You may cut cost by not opting to hire a Wedding Planner at all.

    21. We expect that this partnership goes both ways, and is almost always based on the contract, and truthfulness. Should there be a change in contract, we always observe anotice period. Short-Term employees are expected not to stay long- but hey, some areabsorbed- for good. Not because you were hired as a Christmas fling to show off during her HS Reunion means you’re forever stuck in the contractual-zone. Who knows- your contract may be extended, or you may actually get in- not just in her pants.

    22. There is always a degree of confidentiality your HRBP holds. He or she will not tell you that his or her mom thinks you look sloppy, or that her bestfriend thinks you are too short- your HRBP will always tell you that they like you the way you are. It’s not that they are lying to you- it is a partnership, not a crime – and any external urges won’t matter unless it’s a big threat to the enterprise (ie, her aunt saw you holding hands with a 14-year old wearing pekpek shorts, or a nasty FB photo tag showing you receiving a lap dance when you said you’re out playing DND).

    23. And even if you weren’t really playing DND and you’re just drooling on that Red Light District resident giving you a really amazing lapdance, your HRBP will still give you a hearing. Refer to #15.

    24. We always expect the worst, despite our vibrant and optimistic selves. Attrition is always a problem and we’d like to keep it low as much as possible for our permanent hires. We get sad whenever we see someone wanting to go and we’d do our best to make them stay – even if it means counter-negotiating and exceeding one’s C&B bracket (with a go signal from the approvers- ie, shareholders, as discussed before) unreasonably- but if you really wanna go, we won’t force you to stay.

    25. It would help if you’d tell us in advance if you’re seeing new opportunities and businesses. This is so we could be clear about your resignation. Likewise, we would be very, very transparent and we’ll surely tell you if you’re getting a redundancy. Or if we’re firing you for constitutional reasons. It could be neat as it could be bloody.

    POST-EMPLOYMENT / The Break Up slash Divorce slash Separation, whichever applies

    26. First, the definitions-
    Resignation- Either of us just had a falling out. Either we’re both failing on our metrics, or we just found a better employer. If negotiations won’t work anymore and we just keep on frustrating and hurting each other, then let’s just resign, mutually.
    Redundancy- Either of us found solace within ourselves, we won’t want a partner as we are quite self-sufficient.
    Retrenchment- While almost always confused with redundancy, here’s an example –BRO, I turned lesbian – I’m changing business.
    Termination – You sucked big time. I sucked big time. We’re both at fault. Or one of us is. It can’t be amended as it is a Grave Offence on our mutual COD or a severe failure on our Performance Objectives. (“Dude, you got STD and probably a baby from another partner. Stay the fuck away from me” or “Hey, we’ve been together for so long but you haven’t grown up. I want to settle down responsibly – we’re not young anymore.” ) This, however, would be discussed and documented – refer to #15 & #16.
    AWOL – the fucker who ran away with or without notice- with your stuff. This is the most depressing.

    27. We want it as neat and as quick as possible- this does not need to be a labour case. We could let it go if it’s a breach of contract- we just expect you to do proper clearance- return whatever you borrowed. We will do the same. On this, my stand is, if it is given, it is not borrowed. Gifts are different from lent items. You earned a gift – it’s part of your C&B. Company loans, monetary or in kind, should be returned.

    28. Things are more complicated if you started living together- but I’m pretty sure your HRBP – or your Ex-employer- have drawn up a contract for that. Or if he hasn’t, perhaps you can initiate one, possibly, at the onset of your employment.

    29. The Black List applies. If you’ve been a douche, expect that possible employers within her network has already known about the reason why you got sacked.

    30. But hey, if you went away and you just wanted some time off, and we’ve settled things amicably, then you’re still very welcome to re-apply as a re-hire. 😀 Of course, this will go through Pre-employment, with previous experiences – including ours – as basis of possible future performance.

    —-
    This lengthy dissertation is planned, developed and conceptualized by Vanessa (https://www.facebook.com/vanessaslits). For any suggestions, questions, or objections, let me know- I’d like to hear your say. Feel free to share or block.

    I’m tagging previous or current HR Professionals or in the HR Business, those who posted Rita’s article, and enterprise owners who may share the same sentiment, or call this bullshit- let’s have a discussion.

    • So glad to have read articles and replies with wisdom from same wavelength… I am proud to say..we are very relevant nowadays… because we just dont work…we care…

  5. I’m an HR Practitioner. This blog would really discourage people from dating us HRs. I’m deciphering on what pushed this person to write this piece. Maybe he/she had a bad experience with an HR?

  6. When they get tired from you they will push you to quit and feel guilty it’s your fault.
    They give you false hopes when they answer you using their diplomatic tone.
    Your boss is most likely their “best” friend.

    These basically are the funniest things you mentioned on your list. That gave me a good laugh.

    Regards,

    HR Officer

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