In the memory of Nour Merheb

Nour’s physical appearance, his body are gone. Nour will not come back.

When I first knew about his suicide, I was in complete denial. This could not have happened. Not Nour. After making a few calls to confirm the event, I could not longer stand still. I was walking around like an enraged lion in a cage, talking to myself, trying to reason. I was in complete shock. As soon as the first person asked me: “How are you?”, I drowned in my tears. They are not dry yet.

I do not want to talk about how nor why. I do not want to talk about the conspiracy theories, the lies that are circulating nor Nour’s convictions. I don’t care what people say or think, even less when they have never interacted with Nour. I’m in no position to judge a human being. No one is perfect. I just want to talk about Nour, the friend. The friend who left a void behind. I’m filled with confused feelings of anger and sadness. I find myself “OK” one moment and in red burning eyes in another.

I met with a few friends of his, exchanged some words. But it was not enough for me to get closure. I did not sleep that night. (Nor the night before. I was kept awake by the feeling of “there is something wrong but I can’t put my finger on it”). I need my own closure.

I went to Tyre today. I wasn’t in the mood for anything. I was thinking of Nour all the time, seeing his face here and there.

Nour, this day is dedicated to you along with all the photographs I made.

Nour, I will always remember the day we went sailing together with a bunch of friends. There, in the middle of sea, you were happy. We are all happy with the feeling of freedom. The sea reminds me of free minds.

Nour, as I was thinking of you, I come across a message "Smile". I couldn't stop thinking "Seriously?". You used to comfort people with jokes and energy. You had a keen sense of humor, I give you that.

Nour, I know how frustrating it is not see quick results. Patience does wonders, but even when you think you got there, things might still slip between your fingers. It's like fishing, the line might tell you that you caught a fish, but sometimes the fish still gets away. You have to keep trying and persevere.

Nour, things are not always black or white. When it's all black, a window still opens and lets the sun's shine and warmth inside.

Nour, not all people are able to accept change. Some are very resistant to it and others even aggressive towards any kind of change. But when it will occur to them that this is the right thing to do for some reason, they will embrace it. People usually don't like to walk barefoot home.

Nour, dear, I hoped to see you live a full life and grow old with us.

Nour, you left me hanging there, in the middle of nowhere in mid-air for a few days.

Nour, can we sit and talk again? I miss those lengthy discussions!

Nour, I'm not sure anyone likes to be in a closed sealed box tagged with the wrong etiquette. But what was to be expected? So many aren't even up to their own decisions!

Nour, you were a green space, a breather in the middle of all the concrete and nonsense.

Nour, the sign says up. Which way to go now?

Nour, the news was a cold shower. Not the good one I look forward after a hot day though.

Nour, your stubbornness has no limits. I hope you are happy now.

Nour, where are we? A prison? A dream? Inside? Outside? Nothing makes sense... What and where is the key?

Nour, I always respected your fight to put order in the middle of all this chaos.

Nour, we all have something broken inside us. Some mend it faster than others, some never do. Let's get some tools and get back to work, we have a lot to build.

Nour, there is a big hole in the roof. The winter season is coming. Do something! Everyone should have a roof above their heads, shouldn't they?

Nour, you made some big steps and suddenly stopped. Although many will continue, I wish YOU were here to pursue the quest!

Nour, the way is dangerous and full of obstacles. But we can make it, get through them all, together.

Nour, I miss you. Whatever people think or say about the subject, it doesn’t matter. What is done is done. We will all die one day. You have imposed your “fait accompli”. Peace.

21 thoughts on “In the memory of Nour Merheb

  1. nour i dont know you but i felt sad, sad to lose a guy like you in our community a guy with a free spirit free soul free body we needed you more in our life . i wish your free spirit will find peace right now with love 🙂

  2. I am really that interested with this stuff and it also reminds me of my close friend. I just wanna say at this time that this post is full of lovely words. I’m sure that they’ll be proud of you. Hope you’re happy right now.

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